Origin: Latin: Genuine, Sincere, Made in Good Faith.
I first learned about the word bona fide when a friend was preparing for his marriage abroad. He mentioned there was loads of paperwork and that the process was really complicated. I got curious to know more and as I was researching I stumbled on this new word in one of the articles stating that marriage needed to be bona fide. The new word kind of aligned with what I believed love should be; what I believed was the most important element any relationship should be based on.
Fast-forward a couple of years, in a conversation with a friend of mine; she told me how she wasn’t enthusiastic about being in love again. “Because how could you possibly know if it is genuine and true?” That was her reason. “Well, you don’t.” That was my answer. I resumed: “You see, love in its essence is a leap of faith. What you can do is make sure that you are taking time every now and then to check with yourself if you are being genuine and true.” She didn’t seem that convinced.
Lately, I have been having this urge to reflect on what love means to me at this point in my life. So, here are six things I believe are true about love:
- Love is essentially an emotion with a range of expressions
Love will always mean different things to different people. Its expression can be shown in a variety of ways (raise your hand if you know what your love language is). It is something that took me a while to accept and come to peace with.
There is a quote from the TV show Modern Family that says “There are dreamers and there are realists in this world. You’d think the dreamers would find the dreamers, and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not, the opposite is true. See, the dreamers need the realists to keep them from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well, without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground.”
When we encounter something different than who and what we are, we may struggle to completely accept it without demanding alterations or without sounding harshly judgemental. Someone who leads their life through logic still has a heart and someone who leads with their heart is not naive.
The problem is when we are prisoners to a certain label that we created for ourselves based on someone’s else perception or a limiting belief that we created for ourselves and we act accordingly. By that, we are denying ourselves our absolute right as a human to evolve.
- Love is abundant.
You are never in scarcity of love. Whatever anybody says. This constant societal rewiring draws on the image that we are not whole on our own. I understand our needs are different. But, the way I see it, the majority of us can fit into two groups: love introverts and love extroverts.
Love introverts know that their reserve of love is recharged and sustained by giving a big chunk of that reserve to themselves, they are big on self-care. It is important for their well-being. On the contrary, Love extroverts flourish when they are sharing their love reserves in so many different ways, that is what fills them up. Too much love introversion could be isolating and too much love extroversion could be codependency. you just need to find that sweet spot for yourself; that balance.
What I am trying to say is, Love is abundant within us. It is not merely given to us. It is an expression of energy…your energy; like dancing. Romantic love is just one place where you express and experience yourself. One stage. You just need to understand how you like to dance and explore other places that welcome your expression.
- Love is a gift.
I don’t recall that I have ever regretted anytime when I loved. My feelings were authentic. When things didn’t work out, I didn’t get stuck into a mentality where I blamed the other person either. It hurt me, of course! But, I always end up with one realization that they offered me the best they can of themself at this moment in time.
I see it as a form of self-compassion for my future self. Maybe that is key for navigating relationships and attachment. There were moments where I didn’t find explanations for how someone chose to show up for me and then later on I would be put in a situation where I chose to show up in a similar way. We could blame each other till the end of time but eventually, we know we are human beings. We are not perfect.
So lately, I have been experiencing these full-circle moments where I could understand the perspective of some of the people who were in my life. There are still some things I can’t fathom; but in the bigger scheme of things, I can find some understanding and peace within myself in spite of everything.
Love was a gift, yes. In my experience, the gift transformed into a sense of compassion toward myself asserting that how people chose to show up was not my responsibility to fix in any way. It also demanded I establish boundaries for my own well-being. This was a gift that I will always appreciate and honor.
- Love is not pain, but it can get you out of your comfort zone.
I see relationships as the space where our attachment wounds like abandonment come to play. Love is not pain. Love is healing and healing can be uncomfortable and triggering. I can guarantee you that this healing space is reached eventually through two things reciprocity and communication.
Because how can you establish a secure attachment if your partner is not in a space to affectionately reciprocate your love? This could unsettle the most grounded of us. Someone once told me to write down the things that showed how the other person is not reciprocating and then ask myself if these things were done to a friend what I would advise them to do. And it is surprising how our attachment patterns can stunt us from acting on what we know is right for us.
This is when the word communication is key comes to mind. People express love differently and we need to be vocal and crystal clear about what we want, and if our partner is in a space to offer us that and vice versa. I mean, do you want to lead a relationship with logic? Do you feel more comfortable with a little bit of structure or maybe have a 10-year plan and a spreadsheet? Amazing…Communicate that! Do you want something casual in the beginning with more space? Are you an avid serial dater and the idea of monogamy is something you are not comfortable with? Brilliant…and uhh please, communicate that. I know it is uncomfortable, but you can do it!
- Love is not a substitute for our own sense of safety and recognized significance.
Contrary to that Jada and Will love, I do believe love can make you happy. Scientifically speaking, love can give the same euphoric effect as cocaine! The real question is are you in space to receive that love and happiness? Are you grounded enough to not be pulled by the undercurrent? I believe that can’t completely happen unless you are intentional about developing your own sense of safety and recognizing your significance.
If love is your home then your sense of safety and recognized significance is the land. You can’t build houses up in the air. It isn’t wise. All jokes aside, I think that’s what Will Smith was trying to mean by saying you can’t make another person happy. This is a great example of how self-love and self-understanding are crucial to loving someone else and they all need to exist simultaneously.
We can make someone happy. But, if they are not in a space to receive that love for some reason. Then, we have to be honest with ourselves. Rumi said: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Love is you whispering to yourself that you are safe. Love is believing that your own worth is not based on anything, it is inherent to your being and it is safe to walk away when it’s time.
- Love is not forever (Even if, we want it to be).
Sorry, there are no guarantees in this territory- It’s annoying I know. But, It is the truth. There are many variables in this equation to always end up with our version of a perfect outcome. It shouldn’t be this way. Nevertheless, I hold every fleeting moment of love dearly. As if I am holding a baby for the first time. Always in awe.
How lucky my soul is to recognize the goodness in another. How wonderful if another recognizes the goodness in me as well. I mean jackpot! To be able to witness their human experience. To be there for the long run or the short run. It doesn’t matter. As long as we got to run together.
Even if love couldn’t stay anymore and we are left with this hollowness in our chests. We can still find hope even when we are out of breath. Hope that what happened once can always happen again. Because we know that love left an ember within us that can be sparked again at any moment.
solace in a word 